Proof of Gender

My daughter gives me proof on almost a daily basis that she is, in fact, female. Sure, she has all the important bits, her 'biddle biddle' as she calls it, though I swear this isn't my fault. Nor is it my wife's; we actually have no idea where she got this from. We were teaching her the proper name—vulva—which she also knows and uses, if somewhat infrequently, when she busted out with this alternative.

No, even if I didn't change and bathe her on a regular basis there would still be no doubt in my mind that she is a girl. You see, whenever I use the toilet to empty my bladder (another word she knows), there is always this little raw bundle of obsessive-compulsiveness lurking outside, and as soon as I vacate the premises she rushes in and puts the toilet seat down.

She also, in case there are any doubters out there, puts the lid down too.

Now, let me be clear. My daughter is only just now barely grasping the concept of putting pee-pee in the potty. It was a major breakthrough last week when she, for the first time, communicated any sort of pressing need prior to the actual event. In fact, until today, she primarily used one of those little potty chairs, so it's not like the fear of falling in the toilet could possibly be high on her list of worries. So it is in despite of all these facts that she insists on the toilet seat being down. Only a female is capable of this sort of behavior.

It is, of course, obviously a genetic problem. I'm not certain how this particular mutation was peed into the human gene pool, but it does go against the general observation that women are driven by the need to be in committed relationships. It has been definitively demonstrated that when a human male and female are sharing one toilet, they minimize toilet-based energy expenditure by leaving the toilet exactly as it is when they are finished with their business. If it's up, leave it. If it's down, leave it. So, if a woman's genes are fine tuned for maximum efficiency in a mutualistic relationship with a man, then this sort of behavior should have been weeded out by old Darwin generations ago.

Granted, the energy expenditure by the woman does increase under this arrangement when compared to solitary living. However, that is offset by the greater amount of energy saved by the male, which he is then free to expend in providing for her and her genetic investments: hunting, fighting off wild animals, setting new records on video games, etc. So it is obvious that this is a self destructive female behavior.

I've tried arguing this out with my wife, but you know how genes are.

Anyway, let this post serve as proof of my daughter's gender to any potential husbands out there. It had better be good enough for you, too, because if you try any other method of verification before the wedding you'll find yourself in the middle of a scene reminiscent of Sweeny Todd, only it won't be meat pies on the menu.

It'll be Rocky Mountain oysters.